I'm not sorry
by Madame Lady
Summary: A little oneshot through Usopp's POV. During the Water 7 arc.


I know this idea has probably already been done, but the more I thought about this scene, the more I had to do this. Besides, I need to get it out of my system so I can finally get back to another 'fic I'm working on.

This is placed after chapter 333, and episode 236. Don't read if you don't like spoilers.

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Pain.

Agony covering my whole body.

I know I have a few broken ribs...don't know what else is broken, but it feels like I was hit by a train. And really, that wouldn't have been much worse than what _had_ hit me.

Because the damage that was done wasn't just physical.

Almost choking from the effort, I cough up more blood. I'm so weak. I breathe heavily, my lungs still begging for relief. The medical supplies Chopper left lie behind me, taunting me. I force my eyes to stay open, struggling to remain conscious.

Luffy's words ring through my mind, reminding me over and over again of just how pathetic I am. I never could have won. It doesn't matter how hard I tried, or how many dirty tricks I used to fight him for as long as I had. With only a couple blows, he had brought me to the ground.

But I'm not sorry I did it. I don't regret that I quit the Strawhats and fought with my captain, even as wounded as I was already.

Because even though I lost, the _Going Merry_ is mine now.

They don't care about her. None of them do. Luffy says otherwise, but he still left her.

She's not just some ship. They all know everything that she's gone through with us. She's just as much a member of the crew as I am...she was even added to the group the same time I was. Given to us by Kaya...I miss her. But if I'm even going to return to her, I've gotta have real stories to tell.

Merry's been through a lot. It shows. Every time she took a hit, I was the one who patched her up. I know I'm no expert, but I did the best I could. And she came a long way on that. It made me feel good that I could fix something as important as the ship...she gave me a little more worth, because I was the only one who had any sort of idea how to do it. Besides my excellent sharpshooting skill, I was almost useless in a fight. Not completely...I have beaten a few guys on my own, but the only person in the crew I could beat in a physical fight would probably be Nami, and even then she'd intimidate me enough to kick my butt.

Though I'm always going on about being "brave captain Usopp", I know just how opposite to that I am. Lies and stories work to cover up that kinda stuff. And when I tell them to myself, it feeds my ego and keeps me from completely giving up.

Times like this, especially this moment now, drive it home again how worthless I can be.

Sure, I'm good with inventing things, and I'm fun to have around sometimes, but the further into the Grand Line we go, the more I become dead weight to the crew. Everyone is getting stronger, getting more confident in their abilities...everyone but me. I'll only slow them down by having to be saved from death again and again.

I'm not sorry that I'm no longer a burden to them. Just like this broken ship...I don't think I can go on.

Will they care that I'm not there anymore? They might miss me for a while, but they'll replace me soon. Their next target for a crew member is a carpenter...fine by me. It's the smart thing to do, to change out the old and useless for something new and worthwhile.

My body screams for rest, but I have to move. I need to see Merry. _My_ ship. I move my head back, ignoring the dirt clinging to my face from the blood and tears, and cringing with the pain of just moving.

She sits there, bobbing with the waves that push and pull her across the sand. I want to feel some victory, now that I'm finally a captain. _The_ captain of the _Going Merry_.

But what is a captain without a crew?

I bite my lip hard, but the pain is hardly felt compared to what the rest of my body was dealing with. I'll find my own crew. I'll fix Merry up again like I always do, and we'll all go adventuring. I didn't need my old friends.

There I go again. Lying to myself. I know she can never be fully repaired again. I know I probably won't find another crew quite like the Strawhats. But I need to dream. If I can't have even that, I'll finally give up on everything. And I don't want to die. I've gotta make it back home someday. I've gotta meet my dad, and show him that I've been following his footsteps. I wanna make him proud.

So even though it looks like I may never do any of that, I'm still going to dream about it.

Still, I'm not sorry I left. Their kind of pirating is just too much for the kinda guy I am. I'll end up dead if I continue with them.

I have my ship. That's what I can focus my energy on now. Merry's my only friend...everyone else is gone.

If I look at it with a positive approach, I guess it could be worse. I've got something. And it's the ship. The ship I've poured tons of time and effort into. The only one who never made me feel inferior in some way. I don't have to pretend with her.

Sucks that I'll never make her seaworthy again. No one can.

No, I can't think like that. I'll fix her. I can do it. I will...just as soon as I can carry myself around again. And I'll do it by myself. I am a man, after all. If I can't do even that, what good am I?

I can stand. If I can breathe and stay conscious, I can make it to my ship. Being a part of that crew, you learn to push past your pain and fight for just a little bit longer, even after you don't think you can anymore. If there's anything I learned from my friends, it's that. You have to keep moving forward.

Shakily, I make it to my feet, grab the supplies and shuffle painfully to the abandoned ship, sucking in air past gritted teeth. That's what they all did, isn't it? They left me and moved forward. I won't blame them. I won't. I asked for this. It's my fault...but it still hurt that they did.

I'm not sorry that they'll go on tons of adventures without me. It'll save me the trouble of getting beat up like this all the time. It's not worth it.

I throw myself to the deck, stifling a groan of both agony and relief that I'm no longer on my feet. I get settled, and I stare up at the sky with grim resignation. I'm alone. I have to do things on my own now.

Y'know...it's surprising how far a human body can go, even after such a beating. Sometimes you stop thinking about it, after seeing yourself and others around you pull through such insane pummelings all the time, but it's really amazing if you stop to think about it long enough.

Everyone in the Strawhat crew has cheated death so many times it's not even funny...as much as some of them would like to laugh about it afterward. It's frightening to know that you or one of the people you live with every day, one of your friends, could die. And the chance comes up on a regular basis! I'm not like the other guys, I can't just forget about it. None of us wants to die, but I'm sure I stress out about it more than anyone else in the crew.

Geez, in my head I'm still thinking that I'm one of them. This is gonna take a little while to get used to.

Now that I'm in the ship, I'll let myself rest. Patching myself up tonight...just the thought of it makes me want to pass out. Nope, I'll let my body do the healing for now. Sleep is what I really need right now. I'm not bleeding hard, I'll be fine.

I let exhaustion pull my eyelids shut. My bones ache, but soon I'll find rest in a peaceful unconsciousness.

I'm not sorry about any of this. I'm not. This is for the best. I'll be alright without them. I'm not sorry.

Frustration sparks as bitter tears roll down my face again...

Because despite it all, I know that's the biggest lie I've told myself yet.

--

Thanks for reading. If you got this far, you're awesome. Please leave a review, so I know who to direct my love towards.


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